Human Toilet for Life
I expected to feel sick the next morning after 4 hours of being the ladies toilet at Club Diva, but that was not the case. I felt fine, except for the awful taste of shit and piss in my mouth and throat. The mouthwash Shirley gave me helped some, but it didn’t get rid of the taste entirely. I gargled a few more times, until finally I just decided that I was a toilet now, and I may as well get used to the taste and smell of a toilet. I knew I had to return to Club Diva for another even longer night of being their ladies room for the night. Six hours this time, and an even larger crowd was expected.
During the night I noticed one woman in particular, with short dark hair and cute glasses who kept coming back to use me. She would grunt a lot and say, Sorry Russell, this won’t take long! She had thick but watery turds that tasted faintly of chocolate, and she peed more than any of the women that night. I’m Maureen by the way, she said.
I had a few close calls throughout the night, where the shit filled my throat so quickly I almost gagged. Once again the breathing straw probably saved my life. I lay back and enjoyed watching one woman after another enter the ladies room, lean down to look at my mouth, smile, say Hi and then pull down their pants and get on with their messy business. Each bowel movement was different, and often it was just lots and lots of peeing, which was also different. The more I swallowed the more I could detect subtle flavors beneath that bitter, earthy shit taste. Often the women struggled to shit and I would silently root for them, come on! You can do it! Squeeze that baby out! I felt a bond between us. They would always turn around, lean over and smile at me, saying Bye Thank you Russell! (well…not all of the women did that, some would say they couldn’t understand how I could be their toilet, and some were silent, but I still felt a bond anyhow.) I never really grew used to the taste and smell of shit and piss, but I was able to tolerate it, and yes, I am amazed to say that I actually enjoyed some of it! The gag reflex wasn’t as strong as the first night. At the end of the second night, Dr. Jenkins told me that she was amazed at well my body was adjusting to a diet of shit and piss. She told me to come to her office for a meeting with Dr. Cranston, an expert on immunology, at 9 am Monday morning.
Dr. Cranston seemed antsy, like there was a lot on his mind. He seemed to be having difficulty looking me straight in the eye. I am amazed at these stats, he said. You have developed an amazing level of immunity to shit and piss, I think you could probably fight off just about anything at this point, even ebola. I’m exaggerating, but these really are amazing stats.
Great! I said. So you think this Human Toilet Project can be considered a success then? That maybe shit and piss can actually be beneficial?
In your case, yes! But specifically female urine and excrement, I doubt male urine and excrement would have been as beneficial, perhaps even harmful in your case.
Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I really don’t want to test your hypothesis, Dr. Cranston!
Don’t worry. I have no intention of putting through that, because you see, Mr. Callahan, it is precisely your lust for women, your love for them as well…
My bond with them, I interjected.
Yes. Your bond with them, that explains your bodies willingness to not only accept their urine and excrement, but to adapt to it to such and extent that you body actually thrives from it.
Wow indeed! But this presents a problem, Mr. Callahan.
(uh oh! I have a feeling I am now hooked on women’s shit and piss, it is going to be hard to go cold turkey! I thought to myself.)
Your body has consumed such a high volume of women’s urine and excrement in such a short time that, you have effectively become a ladies toilet for real, what I mean to say is, you are not going to be able to stop doing this, Mr. Callahan. Your body now requires a steady diet of female urine and excrement, in quite large quantities. To stop being their toilet could be extremely risky, making you very sick. It could even prove fatal. So my recommendation is to continue as you have been doing….essentially for the rest of your life.
I didn’t know quite how to respond. Somehow I knew this would turn out to be the case. As I lay there taking in the ladies shit and piss over and over again, it felt natural, as though I would be doing this forever.
I heard a woman’s voice. It wasn’t Dr. Jenkins, or Shirley. Who? It was a woman who had used me a lot lately. I turned my head around and saw Maureen standing near the door.
You could be available next Wed., couldn’t you, Russell?
Uh. Wait! I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening, be available for what?
To be on Howard Stern’s show. He really wants to talk to you about your experiences being a Human Toilet, especially now that you will have to do this permanently.
Howard Stern? Who, exactly, are you, Maureen? I just knew her as the lady with the cute glasses and shit that tasted like semi sweet chocolate.
I used to work for Howard! I work in public relations and Dr. Jenkins asked if I could handle the public relations for their project, the first thought I had was putting you on Howard Stern’s show. If your dependence on women’s shit and piss becomes known to the world….
This was all becoming too damn much for me. I wasn’t sure I wanted the world to know about any of this. On the other hand, I had to find, a way to continue to be a women’s public toilet. The two nights at Club Diva was a special event, in which the majority of women had been volunteers. I don’t know if that could continue on indefinitely.
I didn’t say any of that, I just asked if they were going to pay the air fare to New York, and of course they were prepared to do just that.
Howard Stern! Geez! That is going to be a show everybody will watch!
I wasn’t especially nervous, after all I’d been through, I could manage just about anything.