Tales from the Scat Club (4) More Pizza Delivery Guy


Paul ushered the pizza guy into the conservatory where Jeff was sitting waiting. He put down the pizzas and Jeff paid him. “Hey, we don’t know your name,” he said. “I’m Jason. I just do this for extra money. I’m in third year at uni,” he said in a kind of weary voice, as if this was the first time he had called at a customer and not remained anonymous. Jeff introduced the other two, realising that this guy had been coming here for weeks now and they didn’t know each other. “Hey, have you ever actually tried one of your pizzas? Have a bit of ours.” Jason thought for a moment. “Well, I haven’t tried this one – I guess so. I’m just into a lunch break when I go back to the pizzeria,” he replied.

Paul picked up a flirty look from Jeff to Jason and wondered if this had anything to do with revenge for his interest in Patrick. The three of them sat down to eat their pizza while Patrick was in the shower. “Have a glass of wine – just one,” said Jeff. He poured out a glass, gave it to Jason and put the bottle down. Paul eyed Jeff suspiciously. He took charge of the bottle as delicately as he could and put it behind his back. Jeff had time to size up Jason. He would be about 22 he reckoned and was about the same height as him. He was really an average guy but what gave Jeff added interest was his hair. It was in the cutie class, the sort that guys shake a lot and that never gets messed. It was a darkish blonde and flowed down his brow and ears ending in a neat fringe just above his eyebrows.

“Hey, this is good,” said Jason as he scoffed down the last of his pizza. “What do you guys do here every time, just eat dinner?” he asked. “Sort of,” said Paul. “Yea, its mostly about the food.” Paul and Jeff exchanged nervous glances. Patrick returned to the room and grabbed the last piece of pizza. When all the pizza was done Jason got up and wiped his hands. “Thanks guys, where is the bathroom?” Paul was about to open his mouth and point but Patrick interrupted – “The toilet is off at the moment with a leaky pipe,” he boldly stated. More glances were exchanged. “Oh, hell, I really GOTTA go now,” said Jason. Jeff looked up and whispered as casually as possible, “What, number 2’s?” Jason looked slightly embarrassed but not as much as they might have expected. “Well, yea,” he replied. “So do we,” Jeff said breezily as he looked at Paul. There was a silence. Patrick picked up all the dirty dishes and left for the kitchen in a meaningful way.

“So what can we do?” asked Jason. “We’ll just do it here if you don’t mind,” said Jeff as he started to unbelt his trousers, “and it goes out there on the compost heap.” he motioned towards the conservatory door. Jason swivelled unbelievingly in the direction of the garden and finally got the idea. Paul reluctantly followed Jeff’s example and pulled down his trousers and shorts as if it was the most natural thing in the world. They both squatted down on the floor and did their shit as innocuously as possible. Jason found a quiet corner of the room and did the same. Of course, Jeff and Paul had their radar operating to suss out what was going on in the corner. There wasn’t much Jason could do to stay quiet. There were a couple of gasps of air from him as he pushed and then, once he realised there was no alternative, he let rip one of the longest and probably loudest squishes of shitting they had seen. The guy even had to adjust his position to stop all that shit backing up to his bum.

He looked at Jeff and Paul, pleased with his work and accepted a tissue from them as he tidied up. It was then that they realised that they better not ask him back to their little club in case he got into trouble fraternising with customers. Jason pulled up his trousers as he left and put on his hat. He smiled as he went out the door. Jeff and Paul realised that they had been left with a pile of shit from the horniest, biggest shitting guy in the neighbourhood and they might never see him again. One up to the Pizza Delivery Guy.

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