If I were you, …

I’ve known my friend Marco since we were ten years old. We’re both 23 now, so we have been friends for the better part of our lives. There are many stories I could tell you, many pranks we played in each other, but what happened last September really topped everything. I could have been the end of our friendship, but fortunately, it wasn’t.
Let me give you some background: Back in the day, when we were younger, Marco and I very much were into farting. Hey, we were kids! Show me a boy, who does not think farting is hilarious. However, we got a little further than that. We did it actively. We purposefully ate food of which we knew it would make us gassy and then farted around each other or farted in class or during exams and watched the others wrinkling their noses in disgust. Of course, when we got older, we stopped doing such childish things and other aspects of life became more important, but still, when we were among ourselves and felt the need to let go, we let rip and still thought, it was funny as hell.

Even after finishing school, we stayed in contact and often spent time together. Among many other activities, we often went on holiday together. That’s exactly what we did last September, when our story took place. Marco, me and two other mates – Pit and Patrick – left our girlfriends at home and went on a week “just for the boys” in a nice town in Italy where we stayed in a bungalow on a camping site. We’ve visited that camping site a number of times before. It was just perfect for us. We had to do our own cooking and washing up but could do whatever we wanted. That’s how it was for many years now, and nothing too special ever happened, until the first day of last year’s holidays. Actually, it happened on the first trip we made to the beach, just after arriving. We did not even unpack, but just grabbed our swim shorts from our bags and made our way to the town’s main beach. When we arrived there, we went into the cubicles provided there and changed into our swimming gear. When I left the cubicle, I saw Marco standing next to the water and that’s when I saw him from a completely new point of view – quite literally.

Marco has always been the slim kind of guy – not really bony, but definitely rather slender. He was always doing sports, which made him in shape, but his shape was rather regular. Nothing spectacular. Overall, that had not changed, but for whatever reason, from last year to this year, something happened. Marco’s rear had become significantly …. bigger, and juicier, and rounder, and hotter. I did not realize that before, because Marco generally wore rather loosely fitting jeans – and hey, he was an old friend. What do you think where I look? (Actually, I did look, but there was not much to see. Yet.).

Now I saw him standing there in a pair of swim shorts. He had those for years. I’ve seen them many times and never took notice. Except from their bright blue color, there was nothing special about them – so far. He was standing on the beach, looking towards the sea in those same old shorts. And those short were tight. I mean really tight. They revealed everything he had to offer. And what he had to offer was hot. A nice, hot round bubble butt. Not really fat, but definitely juicy. I could not help but stare at that round bubble. This sight alone, I must confess, already was worth the whole trip. I never realized till this point, that I could get aroused by male butts. I had my girlfriend at home. But that’s another story. Anyway, I was sorry I did not bring my camera. But never mind. The next days we surely will be on the beach again, and there’ll be plenty of opportunities to take some pictures.

It could have been only that. Just me and an affection towards big round male butts in tight trousers. But in that situation, I was susceptible to mischief. Probably, nothing would have happened, if Marco would not have done a typical Marco thing. He looked at me, smiled and walked towards me, having his hands in his pockets. If you know Marco, you could immediately tell he was up to something. Back at school, when we played tricks on other kids on the schoolyard and pretended not to know a thing, Marco involuntary put his hands into his pockets. Also, whenever he was up to something but did not want to raise attention, his hands went straight into his pockets. No idea, why he did that. Maybe he thought his hands would give everything away.

Marco walked towards me, stood by my side and was like “You know what?” – “What is it?” With a loud bllllllooooooorp le let out a long, juicy fart. “I’ve saved that for you for hours! Man, I have to shit soon.”. We both laughed. Sure, it was funny, but it was more than that. Wow! That big, round butt releasing a hot, steamy fart into those tight shorts. I knew I wanted more of that. I needed more of that! More of that butt. More of those farts! And no, that would not be enough. I wanted him to completely lose control and fill those shorts with uncontrollable diarrhea. It had to be arranged, somehow.

The next few minutes, I was distracted. Again and again I glanced at those ballooning shorts and planned, how I could make that bubble butt destroy them. 15 minutes later, I had a plan. If should be easy. You know, for some time now, we were playing this ridiculous game. “If I were you….”. You announce something like “If I were you, I would ask that policeman how to get arrested” or whatever nonsense you come up with. The one this “request” is directed to either has to do it or has to suffer some kind of punishment. Yeah, this way it would be possible. I would simply make him eat something that makes him get the shits. And I already had an idea, what that could be.

That evening I volunteered to do the shopping for the whole group. Marco and Patrick stayed behind, and Pit came with me – a guy who I knew almost as long as I knew Marco. We had an extensive list of things to buy and fetched everything we needed. Potatoes, eggs, garlic, pasta, even toilet paper was on our list. When we passed the sweets aisle, I fetched six packs of chewing gum in total – three regular ones and three sugar free ones. “What are those for?”, Pit asked. “Against the smell of garlic?”. “No”, I replied, “I want to if-i-were-you Marco to eat three packs of chewing gum.” Pit looked confused. Why such an easy task? There must be something behind it. He looked at the packs, looked at me, looked at the packs… “You want him to eat the sugar free ones, hmm?” – “Ehm? Why?” – “Pfff, you are not the only one who thinks it is hilarious to see someone get the shits. Done it to my brother a couple of times. He got the shits during soccer practice. It was hilarious. What are the others for?”

Back in the car I showed him, what the other were for. Carefully, I removed the sticks from the regular packs and replaced them with the sugar free sticks. “Do you really think he’ll check that?”, Pit asked. “No idea, but you knew immediately, so he might also know what could happen.” – “When is it about to happen?”, Pit asked – “Tomorrow, I supposed.”, I suggested.

That evening we had a big, nice barbecue and had a few bottles of beer and wine. We had a lot of fun and talked and laughed till about 4AM, so the next day we slept late. Because of that, we had no breakfast but started the day with a nice lunch. Pit took the liberty to do the cooking and put fried potatoes and fried eggs onto the table. Perfect, I thought, so Marco’s belly will be full of that barbecue from yesterday evening, and today’s exuberant lunch. Right after lunch. I pulled the chewing gum out of my pocket. “Hey Marco!” – “What is it?” – “If I were you, I would chew all three packs of these chewing gum at once for at least 5 minutes.” Marco looked bored “Baah, that’s lame! Try again!”. Damn, I thought. What do I do now? If he does not accept that now, it would already be over. “Doesn’t matter”, I quickly replied. “It surely will produce a funny video.” “Okay, if you insist, i’ll do it!”. Phew!

I pulled out my smart phone and was like “Hey, here we are on holiday in Italy, and I just told Marco, that if I were him, I would eat all these chewing gums and chew them for at least 5 minutes.” Marco then put stick after stick into his mouth and swallowed. He did not even look at the packs. All the preparation with exchanging the sticks was not necessary. But better safe than sorry. Anyway, Marco seemed to enjoy it, as he was smacking loudly and started drooling and making funny faces. When the five minutes were over, he took the mass of chewing gum out of his mouth and tried to throw it into my face. While I managed to avoid his attack, little did he know that my attack on him – on his bubble butt – was already in progress. Of course, at the moment, he was completely fine. The only problem he had was that the sweet chewing gum made him thirsty, but after a can of beer he was happy again.

After cleaning the dishes, we decided this would be a lazy day and prepared just to go to a beach. Pit, who, as you know, was into the plan, suggested we should go to a beautiful small cove where hardly any tourists ever go. Especially not at this time of year. “Fine” we said. I knew exactly, why he suggested that beach. Yes, it is a nice place where we most likely will be among ourselves, but it also is half an hour away from our camping site, so one does not have a chance to run home quickly, and, most importantly, in the end of September the little kiosk and its bathroom are closed. I experienced that myself the other year, when I had to pee really bad and the bathroom was closed. Thank god I did not have to take a shit. Hehehe.

So, we changed into swim clothing, put on sunscreen, fetched our bath towels, put cans of beer into a cool box and made our way to the beach. Marco, by the way, had put on the tight pair of swimming shorts, again Damn, that bubble butt. It would be the star of the day.

When we arrived at the beach, we indeed were the only people there. We left all our stuff in one place, and immediately went for a swim. I did not stay in the water that long though but fetched the camera and took some photos of the beach and of the other guys swimming and messing around. Finally, I sat down onto the sand and just watched the waves. Eventually, Marco and the other left the water. I followed Marco go back to the place where we left our stuff. Before sitting down, he put his hand into his pockets. Was is already starting? No, he pulled his hands out of his pockets again and sat down. False alarm.

We put on another layer of sunscreen and began some sunbathing. After a while I dozed off only to wake up by a wonderful sound. Marco was lying on his belly, letting out a slow, low pitched fart. “Here we go again”, Pit said, yawning. “I thought it would be a silent one”, Marco laughed before ripping another fart. He sat up and was like “Anyone else want a beer?”. While leaning to the left to reach the cool box, he let out another long, juicy fart. By the look on his face, I think that came out by accident, but he still liked it. As I said, he loved farting, and among us he did not hold back.

It was beginning and it was beginning well. Marco emptied the whole can of beer in one go. After that he belched, stood up, put his hands into his pockets, lifted his right leg and ripped another long and juicy fart. We all could not stop laughing. “It’s coming out of every hole, hmm?”. “Yeah, what goes in, needs to come out eventually.” Marco continued to wander around. “I’m really sorry!” he said. “What?” … prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt. Marco could not help but let out another rattling fart. “Really”, Pit complained. “We’ve got it! It’s not funny any more”. Marco was somewhat perplexed about Pit’s harsh statement. He waited a moment and somewhat sadly was like “Yeah sorry. I have no idea what’s wrong with me. Just give me a few minutes, will you?”. Without another word, me made his way towards the water.

“Wasn’t that a little rude?” I asked. “Year sorry. That came out a little strong. I just thought he should not enjoy it that much, knowing what is about to happen.” Pit and I looked at each other and could not keep ourselves from laughing. “What is it?”, Patrick asked. “Well,…, you see, …., Marco seems to have eaten something that does not agree with him!” Pit said in a false serious voice. “So?” – “Have you ever heard about the laxative effect of sugar free chewing gum?”. “Yeah. Actually…. Wait a minute! You assholes!”. Patrick really seemed to be annoyed by what we did. He looked over towards Marco who was roaming the water. Again, he was having his hands in his pockets. Every now and then he stopped and bent over ever so slightly. Even though we could not hear a thing, it was clear that he was farting his brains out. Patrick could not help but smile. “Will you tell him?” I asked Patrick. “Hmmm”. Patrick was not sure, what to say. “I ate too many sugar free sweets once” he said. “Thank god I was at home when it hit me.” He looked over towards Marco again. “Do you think he’ll make it, or will he fill those? “. Patrick obviously was on our side. “Let’s make a bet!”

Before we could place bets on the fate of their fellow mate, though, Marco was coming back, rubbing his stomach. “Feeling better?”, Patrick asked. “I have to most awful case of bloating. No idea what is happening. We’ve all eaten the same food, haven’t we! ….. Hmpf…..Oh fuck”. brlnrlbblrb… He let out another juicy fart. “Sorry guys! You have to live with it!” – “No worries, that’s how we know you!”, Pit said. “And hey… sorry for being so rude okay.” Marco nodded. He sat down and we began talking about random stuff. Whether Italian beer is better than German beer, what excursion to take the next day and other nonimportant stuff. It then drifted towards the worst sunburn we had as a child and that we all should put on more sunscreen. In the beginning, Marco leaned to one side from time to time, even making his gas part of the conversation, such was “Now you know, what I think about Italian beer!”. After a while, however, he stopped farting. Not only that, the talked less and less. When asked something, he tried to respond as if everything was okay, but it was obvious that something was quite wrong. The look on his face was quite priceless. From time to time he was rubbing his stomach, but he obviously tried not to raise attention. Little did he know we all knew what he was feeling. Sure, he experienced the uneasy sensation you have when you have to shit urgently and you are sure it’s going to be diarrhea. Eventually, Marco rubbed his stomach and in with a moaning voice said “I’ll be right back”. With that he stood up and went into the direction of the small kiosk. “What’s the matter?” I asked – “Need a bathroom!” he answered quickly.

“Should we have told him that it is closed this time of the year?”, Pit asked, when Marco was out of hearing range. “Well, he’ll find out soon enough!”. We saw him reach the bathroom that belonged to the kiosk. Surely enough, it was closed. Marco rattled on the doors, held his belly and then ran to the other side of the kiosk and disappeared behind it. We were wondering, if maybe it was so urgent, he taking a shit behind the toilet, but only after a few seconds he came back behind it and made his way back to us. Halfway, he stopped in his tracks and bent over. “He’s really huring, guys! What did we do?” Pit asked. “Is that really worth it?”. “You should have thought about that before”, Patrick said. “Sure, he’ll hate you when he finds out”. “Well, it’s too late not. There’s nothing we can do!”, I said. Actually, they both were right. I let him suffer just for my pleasure, because I fell in love with his butt. You should not do that among friends. You should laugh with each other, not about each other.

“Are you okay?”, Pit asked with a concerned look on his face, when Marco reached us again. This time is was not faked but genuine. He, like me, did not expect Marco suffer that much. We both thought, he’d either accidentally shit himself, relieve himself in the water or go into the bushes. Marco was sweating. Sure, it was hot, and the sun was burning, but I assumed that was not the only reason. “I’ll manage!”, Marco said “Just need to take a fucking shit and that damn toilet is closed.” “Well, just have a swim!”, Pit suggested. “Juck! That’s ugly! I don’t want to swim in my own shit!”, Marco responded. “I’ll be okay! But guys! Let’s go back, okay? I really need to take a crap. Whatever I ate gave me diarrhea. Or maybe I caught a stomach bug”. We all started packing our stuff. But while Pit and I now were having a bad conscience, Patrick purposefully seemed to delay things. Days later he told me he not only wanted to see, how Marco would get on with it, but also wanted us to recognize, what we have done. He seemed to have all the time of the world. He slowly and clumsily tried to remove the sand from his bath towel, even “accidently” dropped it so he had to start all over again. Meanwhile, Pit and I were sitting on the beach watching Marco. He stood there nervously looking towards the water. Seeing him suffer like that clearly was not what I had in mind, but it was hot, nevertheless. Again, he had the hands in his pockets and was moving from one feet to the other. For some reason his butt looked even more round and juicy than before. But that must be my imagination. What was not my imagination was the fact that he was clenching his cheeks every few seconds. His ass was about to explode. Soon. He would never make it back to the camping site.

Surely enough, another cramp ran through Marco. He moaned, bent over and pressed his hands into his stomach. Obviously, the cramp was very painful. He instinctively put one hand onto his butt, but immediately pressed it into his stomach again. This time even harder. Finally, with some loud gurgling, the cramp subsided. Even I gasped of relief. I was torn. On the one hand, it was exactly what I wanted, but on the other hand, I did not want him to experience pain. Maybe some humor would help. But I could only think of the one thing. “Hey Marco! If I were you, I’d try to rip a fart now!” I sheepishly suggested. “Fuck you, you bitch! That’s not funny!” he answered. It really wasn’t, but it seemed to have an effect on him. As if I had jinxed him, a moment later another cramp hit him, this time even stronger than before. He must have felt that he was about to lose it, because this time he used his hands to help his cheeks in their fight to keep his mess inside. It was no use, however. His hand still pressing his cheeks against each other, he let out an ugly sounding fart that began with a rattling sound and then became high pitched. When he quickly removed his hands from his butt, it ended in a low gurgling noise. Finally, with some loud gurgling in his stomach, even that cramp subsided.

Marco had just sharted his shorts and it was clear the next cramp would be too much for him. “Fuuuuck!”, he shouted and made a dash towards the water, but trying to run on the sand while having to be careful, not to shit yourself, proved to be too difficult. He only made it a couple of meters when he was struck by a cramp again. He wasn’t even fast enough to do anything with his hands this time. As soon as he bent over, a semisoft log shot into his shorts where it immediately spread into all directions. Parts of it fell onto the sand. It was immediately followed by a bout of wet, mushy shit which exploded into his shorts accompanied by a series of wet, gurgling farts. Marco moaned and groaned as he finally got some relief. But it immediately became clear to him, that he officially just crapped his pants in front of some of his best mates.

For about 5 seconds, nobody moved, and nobody said a word. Marco was standing motionless right in front of them. The back of his swim shorts, which were still showing his gorgeous bubble butt, was wet and brown, and pudding like shit was running down his legs. After 5 seconds he turned around and looked at us with an expression of pure panic. We were all sitting on the beach and were staring at him with disbelief. Pit was the first, who found his words again: “Run into the water, man!”. Indeed, at first, Marco seemed to want to head that way, but after seeing us sit there with a mix of schadenfreude and disgust on our faces, his expression changed, and he started laughing hysterically. “You know what? You just witnessed me take the best shit of my life!”. “Well, thank you for letting us participate”, I said. My heart was pounding, and I could not help myself but get a boner, which, I suppose must have been clearly visible, because Marco looked at me and said “You damn fucker. You like that, hmm?”

Before I could even try to explain what could not be explained, he was like “Hey, you just if-i-were-you’d me to fart, hmm?”. “What?” i stammered. “that was… eeeeh….. that was a joke.” “The hell it was! I can see you’re getting of on this.” – “I, ….. I….”. I did not know what to say. “Well here you are!” he said. He moved backwards a few meters so he was now standing right in front of me. As I was still sitting in the sand and he was standing, my head was in the height of his butt, so I was not only directly looking at how his buttocks shaped his shit filled shorts. The smell of male diarrhea got into my nose. I don’t even know, whether male diarrhea smells any different than female diarrhea. Anyway, for me, it was a very masculine smell. It was really quite ugly, and I got an urge to gag, but at the same time it was so damn hot.

Before I could even ask him what he was up to, he put his hand into his pockets, just as if nothing had happened. This way, what little space his juicy butt left in those pants was gone. There was a squelching noise and some semisoft shit ran down his legs. Some even came out at the top. “Here we go!” he said and made the typical pose he usually does before ripping a fart. And that’s exactly what he did. A long, gurgling stream of gas began bubbling into his already filled shorts. Marco made a relieved groan but then rubbed his belly and was like “Ohoh! Wait! There’s more!”. I was paralyzed and could not say anything. He was still in his farting pose and gave a gentle push. Another gassy explosion bubbled into his shorts, but he got more than he bargained for, and more than I could take, as now he was releasing another bout of runny shit into the already filled shorts. It ran down his legs, and a lot of it came out at the top. “Damn!” he shouted and without any more words he ran into the water.

We were sitting there speechless. Did we just see that?

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