Feeling very down 🙁
It’s been a very long time since I wrote a post on here, and I think it’s well over due, to be honest.
Last night I watched a documentary which truly got me thinking. It was about this totally nasty guy who abused and took advantage of a whole bunch of guys just to satisfy his own fetishes.
The only reason he was truly able to achieve this was because he had inhered a hell of a lot of money from his very rich and successful father.
I am not going to go into the nature of the crimes that he committed, or why i think he did them – but the fact that this worthless asshole was abusing people in order to satisfy his own fetish kind of got me thinking…
I’m a very good person, I don’t hurt anyone, and I treat people as I like to be treated.
I’m very respectful, calm and sincere, yet I am seeing more and more of these narcissistic types getting away with fulfilling their fantasies/fetishes simply because they have money or the will/want to manipulate.
It made me think more on the fact that I am someone who is in a part of the world where my own fetishes are “frowned upon”/”not accepted”, so I am never truly going to be able to be accepted nor able to live out my simple (and harmless) fetishes.
I have had these fetishes since as young as 5-6 years of age (over 35 years), yet have never once really had the chance to fully develop and embrace them with anyone.
I know of many people (both on here and in my private life) who have much more extreme fetishes (some bordering on being non-consensual or “questionable”), yet they are in either a monetary position where they can fully express these feelings and fetishes, or they are just generally bad people who exploit and demean women who are vulnerable in order to get what they feel they’re entitled to.
Over the past three months, I have began personal changes which will affect me for the rest of my life, and I am happy with the progress of these, yet there are still those nagging desires and fetishes missing, which make day-to-day existence that little bit less enjoyable, really.
The fear of rejection, not being accepted etc often plays a role in “coming out” about these fetishes (as it always has), but also the knowledge that most people just don’t understand or comprehend and are truly close-minded to all that is not Vanilla hurts like hell also.
I gave up trying to find a relationship and play partner many years ago, because I somehow accepted that it would never truly happen, yet that does not make the sting any less painful.
So…back to the documentary – am I jealous of this guy? No, not at all, I am slightly envious that he gets to fulfill his fantasy even though he is a terrible person.
I spoke to a friend after watching it, who agreed that it is truly sad that some very good people never truly get to live out their fantasy’s and fetishes.
Had I known whilst growing up that I would never (one day as an adult) get to achieve my fetish goals, perhaps I would have been able to accept it earlier, and it may have made my life a lot easier growing up, and certainly now.
My simple advice to you – if you’re reading this, and you truly are happy with your fetish lifestyle, I am happy for you, but please spare a thought for those of us (there are many) who can never have that.