Hey, guys, I’m gonna go ahead and take an emotional dump on your faces. As in dumping my emotions. Not shitting expressively. (Maybe that too.) Anyway, read on for a bunch of self-developmental drivel. Or don’t.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking – and a lot of stinking – about what it means for me to be here. See, I have this kind of sick and revealing fantasy of being an object of desire. I imagine people wanting me, wanting to do things to me, and me just being all innocent and wanting to satisfy them. I know it’s really narcissistic and kind of disgusting but it’s just what I think about. So one day when I was lurking around like a perv watching everyone’s videos, I thought to myself, this could be an opportunity to be treated as attractive. Having thought so, I signed up and posted a video or two.
It was really exhilarating at first but soon I realized something felt off about how the community was talking to me. Then I realized it’s not the community – it’s me. I had thought I wanted to be attractive to someone, and I was attractive to quite a few people, but it was just an illusion. Nothing about me had changed. At the end of the day, I was just the same fat, ugly teenager I see in the mirror every day. I wasn’t exactly the innocent giver I wanted to be, either. If I was honest with myself I was enjoying it all quite a bit myself, perhaps more than those who watched. I thought to myself that maybe I’m better off the way I am, not the way I imagined myself. I’m sure you can understand why I might have felt that I had taken a dirty fantasy – dirty in more ways than one – run too far with it, and let it turn me into something I wasn’t and perhaps had never been meant to be.
I left the site for awhile to think – that would be the thinking I keep saying I’ve been doing – and I’m coming back today because I realized something else. I realized it doesn’t have to be like this. Just because I came here for the wrong reasons doesn’t mean I can’t stay here for the right ones. What does it mean for me to be here? It means nothing whatsoever, and that’s the way it should be. I can be the ugly geek I know I am and still help some dudes get off, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I don’t need to fit myself into a role of some kind; within the context of this site, I proudly profess my absolute freedom of sexual expression, not bound by any societal norms. Today I declare that if we are all ugly together, that makes us sexy, and no degree of social indoctrination can make that untrue. We are a giant self-sufficient orgasm machine, and together, at least in our little virtual corner of the world, we can fuck the status quo into last year. Who’s with me?