Been thinking about being here

Hey, guys, I’m gonna go ahead and take an emotional dump on your faces. As in dumping my emotions. Not shitting expressively. (Maybe that too.) Anyway, read on for a bunch of self-developmental drivel. Or don’t.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking – and a lot of stinking – about what it means for me to be here. See, I have this kind of sick and revealing fantasy of being an object of desire. I imagine people wanting me, wanting to do things to me, and me just being all innocent and wanting to satisfy them. I know it’s really narcissistic and kind of disgusting but it’s just what I think about. So one day when I was lurking around like a perv watching everyone’s videos, I thought to myself, this could be an opportunity to be treated as attractive. Having thought so, I signed up and posted a video or two.

It was really exhilarating at first but soon I realized something felt off about how the community was talking to me. Then I realized it’s not the community – it’s me. I had thought I wanted to be attractive to someone, and I was attractive to quite a few people, but it was just an illusion. Nothing about me had changed. At the end of the day, I was just the same fat, ugly teenager I see in the mirror every day. I wasn’t exactly the innocent giver I wanted to be, either. If I was honest with myself I was enjoying it all quite a bit myself, perhaps more than those who watched. I thought to myself that maybe I’m better off the way I am, not the way I imagined myself. I’m sure you can understand why I might have felt that I had taken a dirty fantasy – dirty in more ways than one – run too far with it, and let it turn me into something I wasn’t and perhaps had never been meant to be.

I left the site for awhile to think – that would be the thinking I keep saying I’ve been doing – and I’m coming back today because I realized something else. I realized it doesn’t have to be like this. Just because I came here for the wrong reasons doesn’t mean I can’t stay here for the right ones. What does it mean for me to be here? It means nothing whatsoever, and that’s the way it should be. I can be the ugly geek I know I am and still help some dudes get off, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I don’t need to fit myself into a role of some kind; within the context of this site, I proudly profess my absolute freedom of sexual expression, not bound by any societal norms. Today I declare that if we are all ugly together, that makes us sexy, and no degree of social indoctrination can make that untrue. We are a giant self-sufficient orgasm machine, and together, at least in our little virtual corner of the world, we can fuck the status quo into last year. Who’s with me?

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