To start out with, I have never really been prone to accidents. Ever. Not even when I was really young, I mean obviously there where the times I woke up in a puddle when I was sick, or maybe didn’t quite wipe well enough, but for the most part my pants stayed clean.
Well now having said that, I’ll admit over the past year or so that has kinda changed. I’m not sure what really happened but I’ve had 99% of all my accidents, throughout my entire life, in the past year or so. So here I am, sitting at home after one of the most embarrassing days of my life, thinking, “I gotta write this down”. So here it goes….
On Sunday morning my dearest mother asks me to run to the local Super Target to pick up some groceries. I, being a good son, happily agree to go. Now being the genius I am, I did not go the the bathroom at home even though I needed to pee (foreshadowing). So fast forward about 45 mins, Im at the store with a partly full basket, and I think to myself, “Damn….I gotta piss”, now being the smarty pants I am, I decided to once again wait, and go at home. Fast forward another 15 mins, and I really gotta pee, like really really gotta pee. Now I am beginning to regret my choices to wait, so I head over to the toilets to ammend my situation. However, this begins my downfall, being that we are in the middle of a pandemic, social distancing policies are in place. Why does that matter you ask, well you inquisitive reader, it means that only one person can use the bathrooms here at a time. Okay, you ask, you are only one person, so what? Well smartass it matters because there was a damn line of 6 people waiting! A sane person would have hopped in line and waited, however as you might have noticed I do not think things over. So seeing as I was holding back the flood gates, I decide to walk around and wait for the line to die down. And that’s what I do, for about 3 more mins….
My walk takes me over by the women’s clothing section, and it’s slightly busy here, about 6 or 7 people around me. And this is it, the reason your here, the reason I’m here, the scarring memory, the accident. I feel a spurt, a tiny momentary burst of urine hitting my blue denim jeans. I freeze. And immediately spin around to run to the bathroom. But c’mon, we all know what happens next. I make it 10 feet before the dam breaks. And what do I do? Well simple, being the genius I’ve stated I am, I drop my basket, loudly enough to gain the attention of everyone in the vicinity and then stand there motionless as I rapidly wet my pants. It probably took 30 seconds for my accident to begin and finish, but it felt like hours. I look down at myself and see the horrors, it was bad, my crotch was soaked, it ran down my legs and pooled beneath me. And it was very very very very obvious. Well what next, you ask, let’s see, being the adult man I am, I immediately begin sobbing and run away. Now I choose not to run out the store and set from my horrors, no no no, I run to the women’s changing room and hide. Clearly I was emotionally distressed here because as I squatted there crying, I continue to wet myself further, making an additional puddle in the stall. I must’ve been hiding there crying for 20 minutes, long enough to here the clean up crew to be called over the PA system, and long enough to think to myself, “this is the situation you used to fantasize about, and now it happens and you hide and cry like a bitch?!?” Yeah, yep, just cuz I like it doesn’t mean I want it. Well anyway it’s been a while and I decide to run home, my pants have partially dried, but it was still obvious. Now I’m a good son, so I checked by the cleaned scene of the crime, and notice my basket has been pushed to the side, so I grab it and wander soullessly to the self checkout. I swear I could feel every pair of eyes on me, I touched my but and noticed it felt incredibly damp. As a new wave a tears began forming in my eyes, I grab my purchased items and leave. After an unejoyable soggy ride home, and an uneventful depositing of my goods in the pantry. I showered and sit here typing this, wearing a slightly ridiculous diaper, since why not, I pissed my pants, it helps me feel better.
Anyway yeah….that’s that. I have a decent supply of misfortune I’d love to share, so I probably will. Yep. Thanks for reading I guess? Bye bye.